Two people close to me are approaching the end of their lives, and I'm watching them suffer from pain and anxiety.
I can't pretend to know what it's like to approach the end. I don't know whether I will feel fear, relief, or something in between. It's like combat; you can train all you like, but you can't know how you will react until the moment is upon you.
Speaking with a friend today about our divorces, it occurred to me that divorce and death share some common qualities.
We would all like to die in a quiet, peaceful manner, without pain and fear. To pass away in our sleep, perhaps, or to have one's heart suddenly stop beating. To just quietly and calmly slip away.
In reality, most of the deaths I see are drawn-out, medically complicated affairs, often marred by all manner of physical indignities. The possibility of passing on quietly and calmly seems remote.
Divorces are similar. In theory, it would be wonderful to calmly agree with one's spouse that the time to end the relationship has arrived and to then uncouple with love and respect, without anger, regret, or suffering, dividing possessions and remaking family arrangements with minimum fighting.
In reality, of course, the opposite is more often the case. Divorce, in my experience, is emotionally devastating, financially disastrous, and a source of long-term pain to all concerned.
All things end, but do they have to end so badly? With so much anxiety, fear, and suffering?
I've been reading some Buddhist texts lately and can glimpse an alternate way—one in which the ending of something as important as marriage is greeted with calm acceptance.
My kids are being taught many things in high school and college, but gracefully accepting the impermanence of all things, including life and family, is not one of them.
I was also never taught that at home or school. We didn't talk about death, and marriage was supposed to be forever. Preparing gracefully for the end of life, or the end of marriage, was never part of the curriculum.
I wish it had been otherwise.
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Check out my other posts on personal issues at www.jamesron.net or on more scholarly-oriented topics at www.jamesron.org. My professional website is www.jamesron.com, and I am on Twitter @James_ron01.
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